Procrastination.

Today marks three weeks post-op. Holy shit. I can’t believe that it’s been this long. I literally feel like it’s only been a couple of days. I wish I could say that I’ve been losing like crazy, but I’m at the infamous 3 week stall. So many people in the WLS Community go through a stall around 3-4 weeks where they either really slowly lose weight or they don’t lose at all. It’s been almost a week since the scale has moved. This tells me two things…

1. I need to focus on the non-scale victories more than the pounds dropping.
2. I need to stop weighing myself every damn day. It’s unhealthy.

As much as I would like to say that I’m okay with the fact that the scale isn’t moving, I would be lying to you. I know that it’s coming, I know that it’s a process, I know this is normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m literally consuming between 400-650 calories a day depending on if I supplement a protein shake for a meal or not. I’m not over-eating, I’m not over-consuming, I’m not eating unhealthy things. My body just has to process everything it’s going through. I also have had 2 periods in the last three weeks which is making me bloated, crampy, and cranky… sorry guys, you’ll get over it.

My body has inherited my wonderful and terrible habit of procrastination. I also have been stalling in other areas of my life… You guys, I have been putting off driving for almost 3 weeks. Why? Because it stresses me out. Also, because it means I’m getting closer to the end of my leave. This weekend I took the plunge and decided to try driving. Of course, it was horrible and I screamed at everyone who was driving like an idiot. My husband tells me to calm down and it will be ok… LJ, my 3-year-old, chimes in from the back seat “Daddy, mommy yells at people driving crazy, but you don’t, right?” I set such a great example. After all that fun, I decided that today we would try to start getting back into our routine of me taking LJ to school and picking her up. Her school is on the way to my work, so I typically take her and pick her up daily. While I was driving, I realized that I’m halfway through my leave and 3 weeks closer to going back to work. My job stresses me out, it is the primary culprit of my anxiety. I never feel good enough, I never feel like I’m valued, and I truly don’t feel that they care if I’m there or not. So I make it to LJ’s school. She tells me she really just wants to stay home with me today, probably because she feels how anxious I am and it’s rubbing off on her, but we get her to her classroom, and I leave. I fast-track to the car so that I can get home ASAP and I start to feel it. The tightness in my chest, my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, and I’m on the verge of tears. Why? Because I’m that anxious of having to go back to my normal routine in 3 weeks and stay loyal to my new lifestyle… sans comfort food and alcohol as a coping method.

Why do I let this shit get to me? I know that I am great at my job. I know that after spending 9 years in this career that there is no challenge that I cannot handle. I literally have avoided getting back to reality as much as possible for the last 3 weeks, but it’s time to face the facts that in 21 days, I will be facing it head on. My goal is to work on creating a realistic routine that I can stick to once I get back to work. I need to make sure that I am setting myself up for success and avoid falling back into bad habits. If anyone has any advice or suggestions for me… that would be great. I am open to all of the help I can get.

My anxiety has gotten the best of me for years. It got even worse after I had my daughter in 2015 and even more severe after my husband and daughter were in a roll-over accident in 2017. There are quite a few things that trigger it, but work and my weight are two of my biggest triggers. I know there are a lot of you out there who suffer, as well. Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share that you are not alone. I know a lot of days I look like I have it together, but I have a well-practiced mask to hide behind for these days. Thank you for letting me share my journey.

❤ C